Welcome to the Internet's Biggest Little Collection of...

Chuck Norris Facts, Jokes, Quotes, & subtly Humorous Sayings!

[currently 101 astounding Chuck Norris facts and counting...]

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When Mr T talks, people listen!Mr. T says: "Listen up, fool! Feel free to spread the gospel of my buddy Chuck Norris by copying a few of these awesome Chuck Norris jokes, facts, quotes, and sayings, and by sharing them with your friends, family, co-workers, and/or complete strangers. But if you do copy any of them, show my friend Chuck and my friends here at Cranial Borborygmus a little respect and include a link back to the original source here at Cranial Borborygmus ( If you don't include a link, well then someday you'll may hear a knock on your door, and you won't know if it's Chuck Norris knocking, or me and the A-Team, or just the pissed-off demented maniac genius who provides night security here at Cranial Borborygmus. So don't piss us off. If you copy any of these facts and jokes, then add a link back. Let others know where you found this great stuff. Thanks. And if you want to know an amazing, incredible fact about me, Mr. T, here's one: Did you know Mr. T has no hair on his testicles? Yeh, because hair doesn't grow on STEEL! OK, enough about me... back to my buddy Chuck... Remember to add that link if you copy any of these Chuck Norris sayings. And now keep on reading, and prepare to be awed... by the total awesomeness that is Chuck Norris!

1. A fear of confined spaces is known as claustrophobia. A fear of heights is known as acrophobia. A fear of spiders is known as arachnophobia.  A fear of Chuck Norris is known as logic.

2. Some kids write their names in snow with their pee. Chuck Norris can write his name in concrete with his pee.

3. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

4. If successfully harnessed for energy, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could provide the country of Sweden with power for 3 days, 8 hours and 14 minutes.

5. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

6. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

7. Chuck Norris' calendar has no April 1st. Because nobody fools Chuck Norris.

8. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, Google doesn't provide its standard response, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" Instead, Google simply responds, "Run. Run for your life. While you still have an infinitesimally small chance."

9. Chuck Norris once challenged the Hulk to an arm wrestling contest. It was agreed upon in advance that the loser would tattoo his complete body the color green.

10. Chuck Norris once challenged Superman to a race around the world. It was agreed upon in advance that the loser would have to wear tights for the rest of his life.

11. Not only is Chuck Norris's left testicle bigger than his right one, but his right testicle is also larger than his left one.

12. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

13. Chuck Norris once ran an entire marathon that he could see what second place looks like.

14. Outer space exists because it's too terrified to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

15. There is no theory of evolution. There is just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

16. Archilles' weakness was his heel. Superman's weakness is Kryptonite. Chuck Norris's weakness is nothing.

17. A rattlesnake once made the mistake of biting Chuck Norris. After four extremely long days of agonizingly excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.

18. Chuck Norris buys his pencils without erasers... because Chuck Norris never makes a mistake.

19. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was a bit chilled, so he cranked up the temperature of the sun.

20. A Royal Flush beats any hand... except the hand of Chuck Norris.

21. It doesn't matter where Waldo is hiding... Chuck Norris will find him.

22. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa her smile.

23. Chuck Norris counted to infinity... three times.

24. The reason that Google can search for and find anything on the internet within milliseconds... is because it was taught how to by Chuck Norris. Norris just made Google promise that, unlike Chuck Norris, after Google finds something, it can't kill it.

25. If Chuck Norris dials long distance numbers, he doesn't get charged. In fact, if he needs money, he just holds up the phone and money falls out.

26. When Chuck Norris eats at KFC, he orders the whole roasted chicken... but he only eats its soul.

27. Chuck Norris invented the word "kill". He also invented the words "die", "beer", and "awesome".

28. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can sprint around the world and kick himself in the back of his head.

29. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND he can make the horse drink.

30. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

31. Chuck Norris's house has no doors. It only walls that he walks through.

32. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies even closer... close enough to drop them with one swift round house kick to the face.

33. Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his breath.

34. Wilt Chamberlain says he slept with well over 10,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

35. When you take the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will get a perfect score.

36. The age old saying, "the grass is always greener on the opposite side of the fence" is generally true, unless Chuck Norris has been on the opposite side of the fence. In that event, the grass is will be stained red from blood and heavily soaked with tears.

37. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the image of Chuck Norris is worth one trillion words.

38. Chuck Norris can't shave his whiskers; he must kick himself in the face, for the only thing able to cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

39. When Chuck Norris makes coffee in the morning, he grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

40. Chuck Norris ordered a Whopper at McDonalds. He got it.

41. When Chuck Norris donates blood, he declines the syringe. He simply asks for a hand gun and a bucket.

42. Chuck Norris can drink a whole gallon of milk in five seconds.

43. The Bermuda Triangle was actually once known as the Bermuda Square, but Chuck Norris was a TV remote that he had misplaced, got mad, and roundhouse-kicked off one of the corners.

44. The TV show Survivor originally was supposed to be about marooning people on an secluded island with Chuck Norris. But when they attempted to shoot the pilot episode, there were no survivors, and the producers are afraid to go to the island to try retrieving the footage.

45. Chuck Norris doesn't have to bowl a strike. He simply knocks down one pin and the remaining nine pins faint.

46. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

47. Chuck Norris can understand women.

48. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver. He won.

49. Chuck Norris is credited for inventing the Caesarean section method of childhood when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

50. Some time in the distant past, Chuck Norris came upon a huge, fierce bear. But when the bear spied Chuck Norris, the bear became so completely scared that all of its hair turned ghostly white, and it fled north in terror to the far reaches of  the arctic. Today, the descendants of this bear still have its white fur and are known as Polar bears.

51. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

52. Chuck Norris once swallowed a complete bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

53. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population problem. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 500 kilometers became pregnant instantly.

54. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

55. Tom Clancy pays royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the title of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

56. Chuck Norris does not have an oven, a stove, a microwave, or even a fireplace in his home... because revenge is a dish best served cold.

57. Chuck Norris invented a better mousetrap, but the world was too afraid to beat a path to his door.

58. Chuck Norris is suing myspace because that is the name for what he calls everything that is around you.

59. During World War II, the army initially wanted to name a newly developed battle tank the Norris tank,  but Chuck Norris decided the new tank wasn't tough enough to be associated with him, so the army named the new tank the Sherman tank instead. Since then, the Army has promised to develop another weapon that would be worthy of the Norris name, but to date, they have been unable to develop a weapon that is fearsome enough to bear the Chuck Norris name, though rumor has it that the MOAB (mother-of-all-bombs) almost made the grade.

60. Chuck Norris doesn't bleed blood. Chuck Norris bleeds magma.

61. Chuck Norris doesn't need a can opener. If he needs a can opened, he simply bites through the lid.

62. If a tree falls in the woods, does anybody hear it? Yes. Absolutely yes. Chuck Norris hears it fall. Chuck Norris hears everything. Chuck Norris even hear the quivering fear deep in your soul.

63. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about leaving his pickup truck headlights on, because he can jump start his pickup truck by connecting jumper cables to his biceps and then flexing.

64. Led Zeppelin may have sung the now famous song about the stairway to heaven, but Chuck Norris built the stairway.

65. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

66. Chuck Norris invented duct tape... and bubble gum... and the bikini.

67. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in France

68. James Cameron considered Chuck Norris for the role of the Terminator. However, upon reflection, Cameron realized that would turned the movie into a documentary, so he decided to choose Arnold Schwarzenegger instead.

69. Chuck Norris doesn't own a house. If he sees a home he wants, he walks into it, and the people living in it move out.

70. Actually, what President FDR really said was: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and Chuck Norris."

71. It is generally believed that a giant asteroid caused the dinosaurs to become extinct. The giant asteroid is also known by the name Chuck Norris.

72. Chuck Norris doesn't recognize the periodic table, because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise.

73. Chuck Norris once tried skydiving, but afterwards he promised to never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

74. What they don't teach you in high school science class (but should)... The Laws of Physics are awesome and all, but even the Laws of Physics are subservient to the Supreme Law of Chuck Norris!

75. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

76. If you hold the American flag up to the sun and look really closely, you'll see an image of Chuck Norris staring back at you.

77. Long ago, a horse was dumb enough to talk back to Chuck Norris. So Chuck Norris knocked the horse out with an uppercut to the jaw. The horse survived, and today its descendents are known as giraffe.

78. Duct tape can fix most things. Chuck Norris armed with a roll of duct tape can fix anything.

79. If at first you don't succeed, you aren't Chuck Norris.

80. The law of gravity for beginners: What goes up, must come down... unless Chuck Norris throws it up.

81. When Chuck Norris punches an unmovable object, the unmovable object moves.

82. Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

83. If Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he is simply informing you of how many seconds you have left in your life.

84. No streets are ever named after Chuck Norris, because no one can cross Chuck Norris and live.

85. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

86. If life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes apple pie, and it's the best tasting steak you'll ever eat.

87. Bill Gates never gets a good night's sleep because he worries that Chuck Norris's computer may crash.

88. Chuck Norris once appeared on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune. He spun the wheel first. The rest of the show was spent waiting for the wheel to stop.

89. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

90. The real reason Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus was because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

91. Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar. The bar exploded. That level of awesomeness cannot be contained by a building.

92. Chuck Norris makes his fresh brewed coffee by grinding the beans with his teeth and boiling the water with his rage.

93. At the beginning of time, there was nothing...then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and told it to "Get a job". And that is how the universe began.

94. If you don't know the answer to something, answer "Chuck Norris." You will never be wrong.

95. Chuck Norris can squeeze a lemon and get orange juice.

95. When Dr Bruce Banner gets extremely angry, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets extremely angry, he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets incredibly angry... run.

96. The Holy Grail has never been recovered because no one will ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee cup.

97. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friend.

98. Chuck Norris has never been charged with attempted murder, because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

99. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

100. Aaron Rodgers can throw a football 80 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Aaron Rodgers 800 yards.

101. On the seventh day, God rested... and reflected. Then on the eighth day, He realized He could make the world even better, and he created Chuck Norris.

101  Excellent Chuck Norris Jokes and counting... yours could be next! :-)

Reader Submissions:

Submitted by Steve Shirar from Arkansas on Thursday, December 21, 2017
 Chuck Norris once parallel parked a train.

Submitted by Joshua Alston from Louisiana on Friday, February 08, 2019
 Chuck Norris can make an onion cry.
 Chuck Norris can swallow concrete and poo bricks.


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~ about Chuck Norris ~

the Real Chuck NorrisChuck Norris was actually originally named Carlos Ray Norris and was born on March 10, 1940 in Ryan, Oklahoma. His father, Ray Norris, was a mechanic, bus driver, and truck driver. Chuck Norris is an American martial artist, action-hero actor and media personality. After serving in the United States Air Force, he began his rise to fame as a martial artist and has since founded his own school, Chun Kuk Do. Chuck Norris appeared in a variety of action films, including Way of the Dragon in which he starred with Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris was The Cannon Group's leading star in the 1980s. He moved on to play the lead role in the television series Walker, Texas Ranger from 1993 until 2001. Today, Chuck Norris is actively involved in Republic politics, endorsing and campaigning for Mike Huckabee for President in 2008, and recently endorsing Newt Gingrich for President in 2012. Based on Chuck Norris' action-hero-macho-man-tough-guy image, an Internet phenomenon sprang up in 2005 known as Chuck Norris facts, attributing various implausible feats of strength and courage to Chuck Norris.